An Inspired Idea For Putting “A Human Face” On Mittens

A regular commenter, John McNight, recently offered Republicans a brilliant idea:

The upcoming Republican National Convention plans to reintroduce Mitt Romney to America; an effort will be made to put a human face on the nominee. I hope this staged endeavor features Mitt, Hank Williams Jr. and Donald Trump lounging around a cracker barrel, cracking ‘birther’ jokes with Sheriff Arpaio. After the laughter has died down they can then display genuine sadness that America has an illegal alien in the Oval Office. Even though drinking whiskey is against Mitt’s religious beliefs — as are releasing income tax documents — maybe he’ll send the Tennessee delegation into a flag waving frenzy when accepting Hank’s offer to take a pull. It’s too bad Sarah Palin won’t be in attendance. Having her jump over the old country store stage set on a red, white and blue motorcycle would undoubtedly set off a thunderous chorus of USA! USA!

My response:

John,

Now that I think about it, what better way to “put a human face” on Mittens than, “A Relaxing Evening With Three Rednecks,” featuring a conspiracy-drunk fake billionaire from New York City, a washed-up country singer from Nashville nicknamed after a ventriloquist dummy, and a fascistic xenophobe-with-a-badge from Phoenix? That undoubtedly classy presentation of a real cross-section of Republican America would be one that Democratic convention planners could only hope to top.

As for Sarah Palin, there is a good reason she won’t be part of the act in Tampa and thus will not be jumping over “the old country store stage set” on a patriotically dressed hog, her Arctic-warming cleavage presented with all the on-air tastefulness of a Fox “News” “info-babe.”

The resulting erotic commotion among the Viagra-needy “sock monkey-waving social conservatives” (nice phrase you came up with, by the way; have you ever thought of blogging?) in attendance would be too much for local security to contain, what with SKIN Tampa—the city’s “only upscale Full Nude Ultra Lounge” and “home of the $10 lap dance“—a mere five minutes from the convention center. A thunderous herd of hopped-up, manly Palinistas seeking less wholesome titillating entertainment is not part of the contingency plans of Tampa’s finest, I’m sure.

And speaking of SKIN Tampa, the laissez-faire entrepreneurial spirit, so much celebrated by the Republican Party, is alive and well in Florida. Not letting an obvious profit opportunity pass it by, SKIN Tampa has an unassailable bidness strategy. It is offering:

FREE transportation and complimentary VIP for RNC Attendees and Press

How many times, do you suppose, that Bible-totin’, social conservative good ol’ boys get a chance to play VIP for a night, uh, for a night or three, in the presence of butt-nekkid small bidness gals as they freely advertise their best God-given assets?

From SKIN Tampa‘s website, you can see how much thought went into attracting patriotic teavangelicals:

My guess is that the jacked-up SUV in the picture above will spend a lot of time shuttling male folks hanging around the Elect Peter Kinder tent, or, when it is up and running, “curious” guys trolling near Dick Morris’ Free Pedicure booth.

Duane

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7 Comments

  1. asd

     /  August 26, 2012

    birth certificate .??! off-shore mitt : No tax MEANS No American….
    Mitt is Mormon priest he pays to God only.

    Maybe Obama also makes crap, but he is authentic, real. Mitt does not Fit.

    Like

  2. Jane Reaction

     /  August 26, 2012

    Very clever piece.
    Butt-nekkid small bidness gals and $10 lap dances? Hope somebody sneaks in and gets photos.

    Like

  3. Hell, even Prince Harry got photo-ID’d so how can the holier-than-thou escape? Lights, camera, action!! 😆

    Like

  4. RDG,

    I’ll bet $10,000 dollars that Sen. David Vitter (R-LA) finds Tampa a slice of right-wing evangelical Heaven, assuming it’s a place of
    hypocrisy which passeth all understanding. Maybe he’ll find a strip club that specializes in lap dances geared to the average diaper wearing Christian conservative.

    http://wonkette.com/277270/diaperman-david-vitter-likes-his-diapers

    Like

    • I’d bet you that ten grand, but I lost it to Mitt Romney when I bet he’d have to release his taxes. Damn that guy is good.

      Like

  5. ansonburlingame

     /  August 27, 2012

    On the other hand, come Sept 4th at the Dem convention we can see a parade of:
    1, OWS supporters
    2. Teachers unions in CA with banners suporting communism
    3. Sharpton giving a speech on “hate crimes” in FL.
    4. Obama telling Americans that their HC insurance policies will not change
    5. Obama calling everyone on Wall Street “fat cats”
    6. Obama telling us once again why it is OK that 50% of wage earners in America pay no federal income tax.
    7. And top it all off with an economic lecture from Paul Krugman telling us that we need to spend MORE AND MORE nationally until. ?

    Anson

    Like

    • “Independent Conservative”,

      Silly me. I made the mistake a few days of ago of looking in on “I
      Wander Around Fourth Street Bowl in My Bathrobe, Do You?” I was curious if your latest political incarnation as an “independent conservative” added a layer of ideological dexterity to what had been beating dead horses to dust and then beating the dust down to gamma particle mass. There was no change, unless the usual metaphorical use of crow bar was replaced for a lighter bed slat when pounding out a little ‘plausible deniability’ between yourself and Brother Akin’s menstruating women attract bears evangelical alchemy-as-science.

      But I was surprised to read that you are still engaged in “polemical combat” with RDG. Regular readers of this blog are aware that whatever “polemical combat” might have occurred ended long ago, well before the Globe unplugged its community blogger format. Even though you have taken it upon yourself to assume the position of perennial concern troll, RDG’s noticeable silence calls into question any semblance of active engagement between two warring antagonists. At some point you have to admit that there is hollow victory in winning a contest when you’re the only one playing.

      If nothing else, I’ll offer encouragement in your quest to prove 2 + 2 = 17. When this monumental mathematical feat is finally accomplished you’ll have a field day throwing Ryan’s “A Roadmap for America’s Future” in all our liberal, progressive, socialist, empathetic, Marxist, communist (California school teacher, et. al.) faces. However, while working on your upgrade of Fermat’s Last Theorem, please allow me to give you a working definition of socialism. This will come in handy when wading through Dr. A Nonny Moose’s breezy lectures on ideological nomenclature. Even the most semantically bizarre savant has the occasional brain fart. And displaying a familiarity with what words really mean could keep your guru from calling you Grasshopper.
      ___________
      Socialism: 1) any of various economic and political theories advocating collective and governmental ownership and administration of the means of production and distribution of goods 2) a system of society or group living in which there is no private property
      ___________

      Should any liberal call for the elimination of private property or demand control over all production and distribution of goods, then you may correctly identity them as a socialist. Until then, just stick to liberal or progressive and leave easily debunked falsehoods to the wingnuts. Bein, como se debe?

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