Pastor In The Sky With Diamonds

Mack Evans used to pastor one of the largest churches in Joplin. In March of 2010, I wrote a piece about a televised sermon he gave on the end times—you know the kind: Jesus is coming soon and he’s pissed!—in which Evans said that passage of the much-debated health care bill, the Affordable Care Act,

may be one of the final blows to bring down the finances and the political—politics—of this country.

That message is essentially the message of the Republican Party, which as most conservative evangelicals know, is the Party of God. So, I wasn’t too surprised to hear one of God’s spokesmen connect Obamacare to the End of Days, a time when God’s wrath will be revealed, a wrath that will mean the death of billions of unrepentant earthlings.

Damned Obama!

Well, Pastor Mack, as he is known, is back, but this time he isn’t peddling fear about the future. He’s got a new, uh, ministry:

That’s not a parody, my friends. This is not culled from the ONION. The ad actually appeared in the Joplin Globe on September 1. (I redacted the phone number.)

The guy, who actually lives in Diamond, Mo, is using a diamond he found to entice folks to come to his church to hear his sermon on how you can find your diamond! God, he’s brilliant!

If you had taken the bait and attended on Sunday, you would have heard “JOCK EVANS & THE BLACK SHEEP BAND” (definitely not this band) doing “I”m Just An Old Chunk of Coal, But I’m Gonna Be A Diamond Some Day.” Again, I’m not kidding. By the way, Jock Evans “likes” Mitt Romney. Go figure.

I do want to note, however, that Pastor Mack may be straying from GOP Jesus and the Romney-Ryan campaign, at least a little bit. According to a preview of Sunday’s sermon, “Buried Treasure,” I found on The Sheep Shed‘s Facebook page,

If you’re not careful, you can waste your life looking for your treasure somewhere else. It is not so much “where you are” as it is “what you are”. Most people will never be rich; they are not sitting on a diamond mine nor a gold mine.

Most people will never be rich“? Are you kidding me? The meme that riches are just around the corner, that personal wealth will come your way if you only keep your nose to the grindstone—and keep voting for Republicans—is what keeps the American “sheep,” particularly the poor sheep around these parts, in line.

Otherwise they might wander off—leave the sheep shed—and vote for Democrats.

____________________________

Now, if you’re a city-boy like me, you probably didn’t know there was such a thing as a sheep shed.  And, naturally, the sheep shed needs, uh, cleaning every now and again. The following video features that chore. Some of my favorite dialog:

GRANDPA: “Mmm. This is all the good sheep manure we use in grandma’s garden. Look at this stuff! Boy oh boy!  Grandma does it smell pee-yoo-ee?

GRANDMA: “Yes it does.”

GRANDPA: “Pee-yoo-ee!”

You gotta love Youtube:

7 Comments

  1. Yellow Dog

     /  September 4, 2012

    …one word. Well, maybe two.

    Ozark….inbreds.

    Like

  2. ansonburlingame

     /  September 4, 2012

    Is there any difference between an “Ozark…..inbred” and a farmer??

    AB

    Like

  3. Treeske

     /  September 4, 2012

    Is this on the old Rev. Billy James Hargiss (sp?) property, where he retired to after his fall? I believe he called it: Rose of Sharon.

    Like

  4. There is something sinister and yet weirdly fascinating about people who are attracted by preachers who yell condescendingly at them. Is it is a form of sadomasochism? Or perhaps it is simply an escape from personal responsibility? In any case, people who flock to such are not living in the real world, they’re living in Green Acres.

    Green acres is the place for me.
    Farm livin’ is the life for me.
    Land spreadin’ out so far and wide
    Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside.

    New York is where I’d rather stay.
    I get allergic smelling hay.
    I just adore a penthouse view.
    Dah-ling I love you but give me Park Avenue.

    …The chores.
    …The stores.
    …Fresh air.
    …Times Square

    You are my wife.
    Good bye, city life.
    Green Acres we are there.

    Like

    • Da dat da dat dat, dat dat! A classic!

      Come to think of it, I never saw anybody go to church in Green Acres. So maybe they had more on the ball than we imagined!

      Like

      • King Beauregard

         /  September 5, 2012

        I swear there was a “Children of the Corn” / “Wicker Man” / “It’s a Good Life” thing going on, where if you stepped out of line, the mad boar god Arnold Ziffel would send you to the cornfield.

        Like

  5. Jock Evans

     /  December 6, 2014

    Interesting and well written piece.

    Like

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