The Cure For A Marco Rubio Overdose

Okay, I have a confession to make. 

I OD’ed on Tea Party Senator Marco Rubio over the weekend—he did, after all, set a Milky Way record for most appearances on Sunday talk shows—and I am not allowed, under orders of my shrink, Dr. Keith Stone, to talk politics today.

As Dr. Stone instructed me, I wandered away from politics for some spiritual nourishment because politics these days, what with Republicans resisting even the mildest of common sense and nation-building legislation, can be a soul-sapping sport.

And in my quest for something solid to put my soul-teeth into, I went to, where else, the Inspiration Network on cable. That network was originally founded by Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker, he a former televangelist and convicted felon and she, well, if you don’t know who she is and what she was about I don’t have time to tell ya here.

In any case, jonesing for some good news from the Almighty, I tuned into the Inspiration Network and I found this guy:

inspiration network1

Now, I didn’t bother to find out just who the guy is. I don’t know his name. And to be quite honest, it doesn’t matter who he is. It matters what he is and what he is doing.

See that graphic? “Sow Your$310 Seed And Receive A Breakthrough In Your Finances.”

That’s a fairly specific claim. Give this guy $310 and—and—receive a breakthrough in your finances. A breakthrough. Here are some other graphics accompanying this particular plea for plenty:

inspiration network2

inspirational network3

inspiraitonal network4

At one point during the sales pitch, and before the obligatory it’s-my-fault-I’m-such-a-loser “prayer,” the guy says,

Get in a place of surrender.

Yeah, surrender. That’s exactly what he wants you and me to do, at least as far as surrendering that 310 bucks.

In our country, under the First Amendment, folks can pretty much practice any religion they want. If you are so inclined, you can worship goats or other things, both living and dead. Or you can worship nothing at all. Or like the guy above, you can have some kind of theological love affair with other people’s money, so long as you have the rhetorical skills to get them to share it with you.

But I think—and please don’t tell Dr. Keith Stone that I’m thinking about politics today—but I think when a person is asking you to give him money and is promising in exchange for that money something specific like “a harvest” or a “breakthrough in your finances,”  then, by God, there had better be a harvest or a breakthrough after you write the check, First Amendment or no First Amendment.

A dissatisfied giver ought to be able to bring a lawsuit against this guy and demand restitution, plus compensation for the pain and suffering for expecting a miracle and receiving instead the realization that you were an idiot for sending in that $310. In fact, some enterprising lawyer ought to get rich by bringing a class action lawsuit against all the preachers, on television and radio and elsewhere, who ask people for money and promise them something real, something in the here and now, in return.

There, I feel better. And remember, don’t tell the always smooth Dr. Keith Stone. I’m meeting up with him again later tonight and I don’t want to hear him tell me how dumb it was for me to get back into politics so soon after my Rubio overdose this weekend.

Shhhh.

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8 Comments

  1. Troy

     /  April 15, 2013

    I have a similar named shrink my brotha, Dr. “Keystone” . I visit him often myself after viewing these right wing bozos; especially when he’s discounted. Lol

    Like

    • Yeah, I know why you see him, too. He’s cheaper than the other shrinks, even without the discount. At least around here.

      Like

  2. ansonburlingame

     /  April 16, 2013

    Duane, frankly I thought you were getting a little “strange” herein of late. But now I am relieved. It is not your fault, it is Dr. Keith Stones fault.

    How about a class action against such charletens as well. Don’t you hate “pop psychology as much as religious zealots!!!

    Anson

    Like

    • Anson,
      I agree. Duane is getting “a little “strange” herein of late.” However, we should take small comfort in the fact that the “strange” is of the “herein” variety. The “therein” variation would lumber close to what Ignatius J. Reilly considered an assault on proper “theology and geometry.”

      If you are looking for new reading material, I suggest John Kennedy Toole’s “A Confederacy of Dunces.” Although the late Toole is no Bob Woodward, he does sprinkle his novel with advice for small market editorial writers via the novel’s opinionated protagonist. This particular Ignatius J. Reilly homily is handy instruction when pondering the complexities of how we pay for “stuff”:

      “…When my brain begins to reel from my literary endeavors, I make an occasional cheese dip.”

      Like

    • Anson,

      No, I love pop psychology. Everybody gets to participate! But I would support a class action suit against folks who fail to follow provided links.

      Duane

      Like

  3. ansonburlingame

     /  April 17, 2013

    John,

    the day I take reading material advice from you will be a ………..

    AB

    Like

    • 1) …sunny springtime morning.
      2) …eye-widening epiphany.
      3)…hot sauna with Michelle Bachmann.

      Like

      • Given the crappy weather around here lately, and given Anson’s invincible resistance to epiphany, my money is on the hot sauna with Michelle.

        Like

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