Cruzosaurus Tex: Sarah Palin With A Penis And A Princeton Pedigree

Every now and then some people will claim they have seen the Loch Ness Monster. Once in a while there will come forth folks who claim they have seen Bigfoot. And now, on the verge of a government shutdown and with the threat of economic doomsday hanging over the country, there are cryptozoologists in Washington who claim they have seen wandering around the capital an elusive creature called Republicanus moderatus.

All weekend I heard people claim they have seen this mythical being, one who is “reasonable” and wants to “govern” the country. But when more sober-minded people look around for evidence of such a being, it soon becomes clear that once upon a time there were Moderate Republicans roaming the streets of Washington, but they are now extinct. They’re all gone. What few there are left in the country at large are hiding out, trying to live off the land until civilization returns to the Republican Party.

Oh, I know that there are some people who want to keep the legend alive, who don’t want to admit that the disappearance from Washington of such a proud species of reasonable Republicans signals that American governance is in trouble, that our tradition of democratic rule is in danger of being lost. But the truth is that a new species, Republicanus extremus, is thundering around Washington like giant ideological lizards, with sweeping tails that awkwardly swipe at things like ObamaCare, which was created by democratically elected legislators and signed into law by a now twice-elected President of the United States.

These giant ideological lizards, with their survival-of-the-fittest mentality, have either stomped on or chased away from Washington any sign of Moderate Republican. And wishful thinking won’t soon bring that endangered species back to the capital to govern. It will take more than that.

cruzosaurus texThe most ideological lizard of them all is Ted Cruz, who is Sarah Palin with a penis and a Princeton pedigree. His day job is in the U.S. Senate, but he is also moonlighting as the de facto Speaker of the House, since the official Speaker has proven incapable of leading the reptilian rabble. Cruz is commanding a very noisy and destructive pack of giant lizard legislators on a quest to destroy democratic governance and tear down American civilization one law at a time, starting with the new law meant to bring tens of millions of Americans into the health insurance system.

The only hope we have, the only way orderly American governance will continue, the only way we can preserve the long-term well-being of the country, is if Democrats in Washington finally and fiercely stand up and fight Ted Cruz and those who have gone to Washington in order to turn the place into Jurassic Park.

Will they? Will Democrats stand and fight? Will they ignore the ridiculous questions from journalists who want to know if Democrats will “compromise” with Republicans, when in truth Democrats have already compromised to the point of near-surrender?

We shall see.



  1. henrygmorgan

     /  September 30, 2013

    Duane: I wonder where we can find a convenient meteor, like the one that ended the era of the early dinosaurs? Keep hope alive. Henry


    • Henry,

      You may not believe it, but when I was writing this I tried to figure out how to get into the piece an appropriate reference to that giant asteroid that likely did in the dinos. Just couldn’t find one that made sense. I guess in the end it will be democracy that kills these dinos or else they will kill democracy. All fingers are crossed.



  2. An apt analogy, Duane. I saw another in one of today’s political cartoons: the GOP elephant painted into the “O” of a giant “NO”.

    If Obama and his party were to capitulate it would set a precedent that would shake the very foundations of our political system because from then on it would be governance by extortion and all financial stability would be forfeit. One would think that all those soul-less corporations that Romney believes are people would be doing an administrative double-take at these shenanigans. Where the hell are they? Someone needs to take the Tea Party to the woodshed. Or, summon Bud’s meteor. Or something.


    • Jim,

      It’s as clear as can be, as you say. There can be no capitulation, or, to my mind, no hint of capitulation. I have heard for several days now journalists trying to bait Democrats into giving the Tea Party nuts a little something that would allow them to get out of the mess they have created without too much embarrassment. No, no, no. Only more demands would follow six weeks from now, when we would have to do it all over again. Not to mention the debt ceiling crisis awaiting us before then.

      Where are those giant asteroids when you need ’em?



  3. RDG,
    A fine use of anthropomorphism to describe liquor-loving creatures lurching around our nation’s capital. I concur with Henry’s wish for a convenient meteor. Perhaps meteor-as-cruise missile, one that targets bomb-strapped terrorists and avoids hitting saner bystanders.

    I agree with Charlie Pierce and others who point out that the latest litter of Stegosaurus are the end result of an impaired ideology.


    • John,

      As usual, Pierce is right. But he doesn’t go back far enough. What we are seeing is actually an extension of what conservatives in politics started during the Eisenhower administration, when they attempted to run out of the Republican Party anyone who didn’t see the world the way that William F. Buckley and other right-wingers saw it. Geoffrey Kabaservice documents it all in his book, Rule and Ruin.

      By the way, I’m glad you mentioned the liquor-lovers in the capital. I just wonder if Ozark Billy is having a good time during all this. It’s not quite as pleasurable as Las Vegas and the poker tables, but, heck, shuttin’ down the gov’mint and gettin’ drunk in D.C. can be fun too!



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