A Swift And Biblical Solution To The Migrant Parents And Children Problem

“[Kim Jong-un] speaks and his people sit up at attention. I want my people to do the same.”

—Tr-mp

Inspired by Jeff Sessions and Sarah Huckabee Sanders, accompanied by a Swiftian nudge from the Almighty, I have figured out what to do about the plight of migrants suffering under Tr-mp’s “zero tolerance” policy on immigration and the separation of families.

And it is breathtakingly biblical.

Clearly these migrants from Latin America, women and children especially, pose a threat to the spiritual well-being of our God-blessed land. Something must be done in the name of the Lord. And the answer, as these kinds of answers always are, is right there in the Good Book.

My solution begins with recasting the people who, for one reason or another, want to invade the sacrosanct borders of our big, beautiful Christian country. Let us henceforth call these invaders “Midianites.” At this point, if you know your Bible, the solution is clear. If you don’t know your Bible, I will briefly educate you.

In Numbers 31, God tells Moses (who “was a very humble man, more humble than anyone else on the face of the earth”) to attack the Midianites, an ancient people who pissed off God because of their lack of respect for his unique qualities and the unique qualities of his Chosen People. Moses, who just happened to be married to a Midianite woman (God is funny that way), gathered up some of his most faithful and ruthless soldiers and sent them out to do God’s genocidal work on the Midianites. These ICE-y soldiers mostly did as they were told. They raided and then slaughtered the Midianites. They burned their towns to the ground and stole their stuff, all of their possessions. But the ICE MEN weren’t quite ruthless enough. They didn’t slaughter all of the pesky Midianites. They kept alive and took into custody the surviving women and children and brought them back to the Homeland. This, of course, pissed off Moses, who wanted them all dead, as God had apparently commanded. Moses, in Tr-mpian fashion, said to the ICE MEN from Israel:

Have you allowed all the women to live? …Now kill all the boys. And kill every woman who has slept with a man, but save for yourselves every girl who has never slept with a man.

And there you have the answer to our immigration problem today: a genuine, honest-to-goodness zero tolerance policy. Let’s stop playing around with family separation and tent camps. Let’s get really biblical about this thing. Let’s go full-on Old Testament.

Think of the good things that would come of such a Book of Numbers solution. White American evangelicals wouldn’t have to pay for food and shelter for the “the little ones” who happen to be boys. After the initial expense of giving them a Nazi shower (the expense could be partially offset by selling the meager possessions of the migrants, of course), the boys would be off the books, and there would be no fear they would grow up to be terrorists—or Democrats.

Nor would those pious white folks have to worry about upkeep on the girls who weren’t virgins (determining their status is where Tr-mp’s beauty pageant snooping skills would come in handy, by the way). A simple gassing at an old Walmart, a very humane, if unbiblical, way of carrying out the Lord’s will in this matter, would rid our Christian country of the financial burden and moral headache of those wanton little women.

That leaves us with the virgin girls. As the Bible makes clear, they were to be saved and distributed among the tribes (in Numbers, we find out that God himself got 32 of the 32,000 virgins who survived execution; God’s portion, expectedly, fell into the tiny hands of the High Priest). The Handmaid's Tale CostumeObviously, distributing the virgin wealth may be the most appealing feature of this Bible-endorsed socialist solution, at least among the most faithful Tr-mpers, those zealous men who have a hankering for a Handmaid’s Tale lifestyle.

The girls could become wives. They could become mistresses or staffers for congressional Republicans, often the same job. They could pick fruit and vegetables for wealthy Republican growers. They could clean rooms in Tr-mp’s resorts, or, perhaps the most honest job, they could become Golden Shower specialists at Tr-mp International Hotel in Washington, providing entertainment for all the foreign dignitaries who stay there to curry favor with the High Priest of Tr-mpism. After all, emoluments shouldn’t be a one-way street.

The point is, as Jeff Sessions and Sarah Huckabee Sanders reminded us yesterday, the Bible has all the answers to all our problems, especially problems involving those who live outside our Sacred Borders. You just have to find the text you need and apply it in creative ways.

God bless America.

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28 Comments

  1. Inspired, Brother Graham.
    Absolutely inspired, but beware lest Robert Jeffress “borrow” this and spew it from the pulpit of FBC Dallas this very Sunday. Word for word. His congregants would eat it up and miss the point — because they are soulless zombies at this stage of the game. And while we’re talking about baptist crackers: I’d like at least one attaboy for calling out former SWBTS president, Paige Patterson for a few years in the comment section this blog. Sad to say the list of assholes with advanced degrees from Southwestern is long and rancid. It was not always thus.

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    • Thanks. I will commend you for Patterson. Among the appalling things I have heard, here  is what he said five years ago, which was ten years after the woman came forth with the rape allegations, allegations that were believed by Patterson and others in the the SWBTS (and SBC) leadership:

      Settle it within the church of God. And if you suffer for it, and if you were misused, and if you were abused, and if you’re not represented properly, it’s okay. You can trust it to the God who judges justly…

      He then prayed:

      Lord, may we make up our minds that we won’t take our troubles to the press, we won’t take our troubles to the government, we won’t take our troubles anywhere except to the people of God and beyond that to the Lord Jesus.”

      Just think about how these two ideas—suffer in silence by trusting God to make things right in the sweet bye and bye and keep the sins of the Church inside the walls of the Church—have through the ages damaged or destroyed the lives of vulnerable people, especially minorities and women. It shouldn’t be lost on anyone that the women (at least some of them) eventually brought this bastard down.

      I’m tempted to explore this in more detail some time. Truly apalling.

      Duane

      Liked by 1 person

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      • You captured him in two of his own quotes. Sadly perfect. There are scores of stories on scores of topics. He has been a very bad baptist.
        I don’t want to chase any rabbits here — we need to fully explore your topic for this gang of posts — but I will tell you that I’m looking at doing a modest blog regarding the perversion of the free church at the hands of the Robertson’s, Dobson’s, Falwell’s, Patterson’s et al. It won’t be anything as comprehensive or robust as the “Erstwhile Conservative”, but I think it might be at least therapeutic for me. I have a domain name and am beginning the construction process. Trump has exposed the fat, gaseous and vulnerable underbelly of fundamentalism and conservative Catholicism. Time for more people from that tradition to drive stakes into its black heart. News at 11.

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  2. JIM WHEELER

     /  June 16, 2018

    This week I had my 18-year-old roof re-shingled, a decision sparked by a recent hail storm. Check in hand from my insurance company, I got three bids of which the lowest was by a major building materials company. The crew that showed up, however, was 5 hispanics none of whom seemed to speak English. They did the job in two long days, working from 8 to dusk with a 2-hour break at noon. The highs were in the 90’s and the humidity was high as well. Perfect job and perfect clean-up, not a nail or scrap to be seen.

    Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III would be outraged if he knew about this. Oh, wait. He does know about these alien Midianites stealing our jobs and is working hard to fix this problem. Obviously there’s still much work to be done. The cost of the new roof was about $4,000 lower than the insurance estimate, so I came out almost even despite the deductible.

    I think Moses was not too bright about killing the Midianite men. They have their uses.

    Liked by 2 people

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  3. Anonymous

     /  June 16, 2018

    Jim, I recently had a roof put on, same results. Two days, by a dedicated group of Latinos. Fortunately, my wife speaks Spanish. Turns out they are not MS13, but simply hard working young men trying to get a start at life.
    The skill of their work and fearlessness was pretty impressive. The back of my house has a 30 foot drop. They did several roofs in my Trump loving neighborhood. Funny thing though, no one protested or made a fuss. Probably saving all that anger for their Facebook posts. Econ 101, one will always justify the profit.

    Kevin Beck

    Liked by 3 people

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  4. Anonymous

     /  June 16, 2018

    Re: Contractors

    One question, did you ask and receive a Worker’s Compensation certificate from this crew prior to their work commencing? If not, you made yourself liable for any accident that occurred. “Fearlessness” of dangerous heights, is any safety officer’s definition of stupidity. OSHA has reduced the rate of construction deaths caused by the stupidity of workers and their employers that condone such.

    Most homeowners don’t have a clue to permits, proper insurance, bonding, craftsmanship, or methods before hiring contractors to their own peril. I would suggest you read the link below, to be sure your decision is informed. I would hope you wouldn’t want someone hurt at your home, and be found liable for all expenses. A reputable contractor has no problem issuing a work comp certificate prior to starting work.

    https://www.consumer.ftc.gov/articles/0242-hiring-contractor

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    • JIM WHEELER

       /  June 17, 2018

      I’m aware of the liability for accident issue which is why I contracted through an established company, in this case, Lowe’s. I assumed that they would have adequate coverage, but you raise a good point. I just looked at the contract. It says its services are “available through independent contractors licensed and registered where applicable.” That doesn’t actually address it, does it? Next time, I’ll ask.

      Liked by 1 person

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    • Thanks for the good info. I, too, overlooked this after the 2011 tornado damaged my roof.

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  5. Anonymous

     /  June 17, 2018

    Thanks Anonymous, I agree with what you are saying. My insurance approved the deal, so I assume all was in order. But that was not the point of my comment. American companies have been using Mexican labor for years and no one makes a complaint. The locals do not complain about the work on THEIR projects because it was cheaper and the work was done quickly. They blame politicians. Around here they blame Democrats only, even though this is a 40 year problem. Its only become a problem because many Latinos can vote now and they tend to lean Democratic. (cue the voter fraud crowd now.)
    Also, I wonder how many of these companies could even survive without Latino labor? And don’t ever hire an American crew during deer season.

    Kevin Beck

    Liked by 2 people

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    • Anonymous

       /  June 17, 2018

      Kevin,

      America has been using illegal labor since its inception, for one reason, money. If the locals do not complain that the work was “cheaper and quicker” then why would they blame a politician? Then you suggest many of these companies might be unable to survive without “Latino” labor. What is Latino labor? Is it an American of Hispanic heritage, is it a green card holder, an illegal, a guest worker? Finally you suggest not hiring an American crew around deer season? I hope it wasn’t Tamko shingles used on your homes, as they usually only realize 50% of warranty. Sounds like David Humphrey has convinced to to vote for Prop A this year.

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      • I think you misunderstood what Kevin was trying to say. I’ll allow him to speak for himself, but I can guarantee you he will be voting “NO” “HELL NO” on Prop A.

        Duane

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        • Anonymous

           /  June 18, 2018

          Duane,

          Re-read the comment, and cannot interpret it any different. Perhaps you can define Latino labor for me. As it stands the comment seems to imply that illegals, that don’t speak English, can get the job done cheaper and quicker. He reckons these contractors are possibly unable to survive without Latino labor. American construction workers are apt to deer hunt?

          Sounds a lot like David Humphrey’s opinion on labor, overpaid and lazy, this the need for Prop A. Perhaps it was an attempt at humor, i.e. postal workers being apt to shoot up the workplace jokes…Still looking for a definition of Latino labor.

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          • My interpretation was that he was illustrating the hypocrisy of the right-wing locals, not judging the workers, Hispanic or otherwise. But if he cares to, he can explain himself.

            Duane

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            • Anonymous

               /  June 18, 2018

              Duane,

              I interpreted three digs at American construction workers, and one dig at our local Republican majority voters, but possibly I’m wrong. I didn’t think union members would vote for Trump, but they did.

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  6. Anonymous

     /  June 18, 2018

    I’ll try to clarify, sorry for the confusion. Many around here want a wall, voted to have a wall, want nothing short of a wall. But at the same time, they will hypocritically accept the labor of foreigners if it benefits their own personal bottom line. No questions asked.
    As for blaming politicians, particularly Democrats, the Trump voters have forgotten that we were told by the wealth class for decades that we needed the cheaper labor of foreigners because Americans will not do the work.We were told that a world economy was the only way to go. It wasn’t by Democrats as I can recall. Now all of a sudden, it is a problem that Repubs pretend to have been concerned about for years.I never hear people say that we should shut down a Tyson or any other large corporation that uses illegal immigrants. And I won’t even get into the whole “millions of illegals are voting” theory. That has been proven false.
    And yes, at under 5% unemployment, I think many businesses will be suffering from labor shortages. Everyone that wants a job now can most likely get one. The idea that welfare recipients will replace illegal Latino labor is a pipe dream. I see and speak to many people every day that will not work, cannot work, are vastly uneducated, and are not capable of work. Any sane businessman would not have the likes around their business or family. I am not aiming this at the many single mothers trying to get ahead here. I am talking about those with mental problems or drug problems. We can’t fix everyone.
    As for deer season, well, I will stick to my policy that it is best not to hire a local company with no Latinos/foreigners during hunting season. Yes, it is tongue in cheek. But I have heard many people joke and complain about employees during deer season. To each his own, but I recall growing up in Michigan that a temporary work force was needed during deer season by the auto companies. This was a long time ago, not sure if they still do it.

    Kevin Beck

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    • Anonymous

       /  June 18, 2018

      Kevin,

      That was certainly clearer than your initial comment. I have heard many times that illegals can get the work done cheaper, quicker, and without safety requirements. I haven’t heard anyone claiming companies might fail save utilizing illegal labor, much less legitimate companies that would hire an illegal. The companies I worked for didn’t allow time off for deer hunting. You don’t show up, you don’t have a job.

      It’s apparently not just Republicans that take advantage of illegal labor, Democrats, as you and Jim admitted, and others turn a blind eye. The same thing happened to Michigan, to the auto workers there. Cheaper cars from overseas, and the auto industry is a shell of what it was in the past. I’m still driving my Chevy, hiring union contractors, enjoying my retirement, and calling bullshit where I see it.

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      • Anonymous

         /  June 18, 2018

        I did not turn a blind eye. My position on immigrants has gone 180 since the 1980s. Immigrants are too ingrained into our society to turn it around now. My family came from Poland, only it was a much easier process at that time. They came through Ellis Island. I would like to see the process stream lined myself for todays issues.
        PS- Do we know you? You are being civil, no need to hide. This is a civil site, always has been.

        Kevin Beck

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        • Ben Field

           /  June 18, 2018

          Kevin,

          I do not have any problem with immigrants, as they are seeking citizenship, which is an American ideal. Many of the workers you describe are not seeking citizenship, they are here working, keeping a little money to live on in a coop, and sending the majority of their check back to their wives and families in Mexico. They even joke when doing it, that they’re sending money to Sancho (the man sleeping with their wife while here).

          Herein lies some problems that can occur. What is an illegal alien’s recourse if he is severely injured on the job? He does not enjoy the standards of citizens to bring suit, file a complaint with O.S.H.A., or seek any recourse. If you don’t believe contractors take every advantage possible of them, I would suggest you are naive.

          Immigrants are not a problem, undocumented workers is the problem. Reagan was asked what was he going to do about the undocumented, he said “Document them”, of course he never did. Nor have we. I don’t understand your and Anson’s desire to know the name behind the comment, it doesn’t change the comment, but I’ll satisfy it.

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  7. Ben Field

     /  June 19, 2018

    Kevin,

    Any person hiring a contractor at their home should be educated as to the due diligence required. The insurance adjuster that approves a contractor, is working for the insurance company to mitigate costs to the insurer. A work comp certificate does not in itself cover all employees, it can be issued to the contractor’s labor only. A simple call to the insurer on the certificate can verify if all employees are included, or if they are considered independent contractors.

    The adjuster works for the insurance company, he is not your advocate, and is neither responsible nor liable if you hire an uninsured worker. The Kahal Kadosh Beth Elohim Synagogue in Charleston, S.C. (EST. 1749) after Hurricane Hugo received an extra $150k after my arguments that the adjuster underpaid them. I can give you the names of homeowners there that received similar increases in payment. The adjuster is not your friend, however amenable he might seem, his job is to reduce costs to the insurer.

    Each state handles claims differently, as the link below details, and Missouri allows that undocumented workers are not covered by the policy. The can has been kicked down the road for years, despite majorities by both parties, and remains unresolved. To suggest illegal employees get the job done quicker, cheaper, without fear or the proclivity of American workers to deer hunt, is both ill-informed and offensive.

    https://www.mwl-law.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/WORKERS-COMP-INVOLVING-UNDOCUMENTED-EMPLOYEES-CHART-00213261.pdf

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    • JIM WHEELER

       /  June 19, 2018

      Makes me glad that I have a liability umbrella policy.

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      • Anonymous

         /  June 19, 2018

        Jim,

        The really sad part is that even in South Carolina, where the work comp covers even if illegal, the illegals rarely seek medical attention, have a deep distrust of governments (theirs and ours), and I suspect if you study case law would find few successes. I sincerely doubt you would be sued by illegals, particularly in Missouri, but I cannot stress the importance of demanding workman’s comp certificates, and verifying, prior to work starting.

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      • Anonymous

         /  June 19, 2018

        Jim,

        The really sad part is that even in South Carolina, where the work comp covers even if illegal, the illegals rarely seek medical attention, have a deep distrust of governments (theirs and ours), and I suspect if you study case law would find few successes. I sincerely doubt you would be sued by illegals, particularly in Missouri, but I cannot stress the importance of demanding workman’s comp certificates, and verifying, prior to work starting. Kind of got off tangent in defense perceived slights.

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    • Anonymous

       /  June 19, 2018

      Wow, you covered a lot here, much of which I agree. The OWCP thoughts are something I will consider in the future. I agree that illegals are a problem. But my point through this has been that the current people cheering today’s events are very hypocritical. As I stated, it has been going on for years and we as a country accepted it. As I stated, my area received new roofs up and down the street without a single complaint. Many I know are giddy about the news reports of locking up kids. Anyways, the work was done well and it was done efficiently I believe we are too far along to simply jail and kick people out of the country. I think it would be more wise for all sides to come up with a plan where illegals can stay if they are law abiding, with a financial penalty to themselves and the companies that hire them. It would also include a path to citizenship. (I know that will not happen) What is your solution to all of this?
      As for asking for the name of the anonymous poster, it was simply because specific comments lead me to believe this is someone I know, that is all. Not really a big deal for me.
      And in my life experiences here in Missouri, I stand by seeing time and time again the companies I have used getting work completed quicker and cheaper. Some of the labor was illegal, some of them were here legally. My wife speaks fluent Spanish and we always inquired of such things. My opinion has changed during my life from being totally against the Latino employees to “I could care less at this point.” 40 years of seeing it has worn me down I guess. The same people that told us that a Mexican will do the work Americans won’t do and that we need a world economy are the same ones telling us that we need to take care of America first. They also moved our factories over the borders and are still doing it.
      Also in my life experiences, I have seen with my own eyes and heard with my ears fellow employees saying they were not working during deer season. There were many schemes and plans used. I saw it while growing up. I have heard contractors complain about it. I heard a local sermon that spoke emotionally about how deer hunting is somehow a biblical experience. I have photos of my Grand parents hunting deer, ducks, pheasants, etc. from the 1920s. They HAD to do this to survive. Today it just seems a weird obsession for some. Sorry that you find that offensive, it is just what I have seen in my life.

      Kevin Beck

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      • JIM WHEELER

         /  June 20, 2018

        It seems to me that the immigration issue could be solved once and for all by fiat, just as easily as family separation. Announce a new policy that employers will be held legally responsible for checking citizenship before hiring and then enforce it. After the first couple of serious fines the job market for illegals will dry up. The hypocrisy would be evident in the roar of pain from all corners of the nation.

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        • Anonymous

           /  June 20, 2018

          Jim,

          The 1986 immigration Act did just that, however “business friendly” Republican legislators allowed an exception that businesses had to know for a fact that the employee was an illegal to be prosecuted. As expected, attachments ruined the act.

          Liked by 1 person

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  8. Ben Field

     /  June 20, 2018

    Kevin,

    There are occupations that illegals can produce journeyman-like performance doing, but lacking critical math skills, any knowledge of licensed trades, finish skills, zero knowledge of the Secretary of Interior’s standards on historical restoration, OSHA training, cabinetry, nomenclature, or a plethora of other skills afforded by union training leaves them well short of their American counterparts in the construction industry. After 38 years in the construction industry, I can assure you that “cheaper and quicker” does not necessarily mean better.

    Were your shingles hand nailed, air nailed with proper pressure or stapled? Hand nailing is most precise, as you can determine if nail is secure in wood decking, and staples void the warranty. Were you aware precise nail placement location on a shingle affects performance and can void the warranty? I do hope you didn’t use Tamko architectural shingles, as I can give you the name of a licensed local home inspector that can inform you of the degranulation problems, resulting in a 15 year life for the shingles that have a 30 year warranty, but not honored. You are entitled to your opinion, even though it is demonstrably false, that cheaper, quicker, and fearlessness do not equate to being better.

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  9. Here’s a (sort of long) take on the current insanity from Sarah Bilston, Associate Professor of English at Trinity College:
    “The news has been full these past few weeks of disturbing stories from the nation’s borders. The Trump administration has separated immigrant children from their parents precisely to discourage others from trying to enter the country.
    Trump has signed an order to end the practice. But thousands of children have been traumatized as part of an explicit effort to, in Attorney General Jeff Sessions’ words, send a powerful ‘message’ to other potential immigrants. Sessions used the Bible to defend the practice: ‘I would cite to you the Apostle Paul and his clear and wise command in Romans 13 to obey the laws of the government because God has ordained them for the purpose of order.’
    What has struck me, as a professor of English literature, are the startling parallels between the Trump administration’s policy on immigrant families and the ‘New’ Poor Laws of England in the 1830s, whose cruelty was illuminated by Charles Dickens in novels and other writings.
    England tried much the same kind of tactics that Trump’s administration has used. Americans may remember the suffering face of Oliver Twist, begging for just a little more food. It may surprise some to realize that Dickens wrote the novel specifically to shine a light on new and brutal laws. Dickens was particularly concerned by the state’s assault on the integrity of the family.
    England’s ‘New’ Poor Laws of the 1830s were designed to “solve” what was believed to be a common problem: the existence of a body of weak, lazy people leeching off the state. How could the government end abuses of the system? How could money be saved, diverted back to the honest hard-working citizens who paid their way?
    In 1834, a Royal Commission issued a report insisting that poverty was almost always a result of ‘fraud, indolence or improvidence.’ Good news: This, apparently, could be fixed.
    The commission rolled out a series of recommendations. At the center of these was a core idea: The poor should be cared for in conditions so abject, so truly humiliating, only the really desperate would turn to them.
    Under the ‘workhouse test,’ relief would only be given to those willing to relinquish their independence, their human dignity, their spouses and their children. Others, the argument went, would buck up, get a job and stop bothering the righteous rest. Their rights, needs and humanity were disregarded.
    The new rules went into effect on June 1, 1835, two years before Victoria became queen.
    Children forced into the workhouse system were either housed in separate buildings from their parents or sent miles away, to live in government-run district schools. The ‘reformers’ proudly trumpeted that children could be fed less than adults when families were separated. They also argued children would learn new and better values once isolated from their parents.
    Many families were never reunited.
    Dickens was appalled. ‘Oliver Twist’ exposes, on every page, the hypocrisy of those who brutalize vulnerable children and claim to be virtuous in the process.
    In an early scene, Oliver sobs when the Board of the Workhouse condemns him because he does not know how to pray. Oliver has never been taught to pray – has never been shown kindness, sympathy or compassion of any kind.
    ‘What a noble illustration of the tender laws of this favored country,’ Dickens remarks bitterly, as Oliver weeps himself into unconsciousness. “They let the paupers go to sleep!”
    In later novels, Dickens continued to expose the hypocrisy of those in power. He particularly loathed all those who used Christianity as a ‘constable’s staff.’
    ‘Bleak House’’s horrific Mrs. Pardiggle is, as Dickens put it, an ‘inexorable moral Policeman.’ She shouts Christian teachings at the poor and suffering and fails in her most basic duties of care. She’s so busy spouting religious text, she does not notice when a baby dies in front of her.
    Dickens was not the only writer to expose the horrors of the poor laws. The separation of children from their parents was a flashpoint then, as now.
    A famous 1843 cartoon in Punch, called “The Milk of Poor-Law ‘Kindness,’” was the Victorian equivalent of the recent photo of a sobbing two-year-old by her immigrant mother’s knees. It showed a crone-like workhouse matron dragging a baby from its horrified mother, as a devil sneers and an angel hides its face in horror.
    Marches and acts of political disobedience followed, including riots and arson against the new-built workhouses, with many Victorians uniting around the sanctity of the family.
    The depiction of paupers as suffering people, not just leeches on the system, helped shock the population and precipitate social change. With deliberate use of sentiment and tear-jerking scenes of tragedy and loss, Charles Dickens gave a human face to those who were being treated with profound inhumanity.
    I’ve taught the novels of Charles Dickens for more than 20 years. My students have tended to approach his era as a bizarre and strangely cruel period in human history. But Dickens’s world has come to life again. Our government has detained children as young as infants in ‘tender age’ centers in south Texas.
    It’s 2018, but it sure feels like 1834.”

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