The final results:
THE LIAR………………………. 24.6%
GOD’S CANDIDATE #1….. 24.6%
CRAZY UNCLE RON……….. 21.5%
NETTLED NEWT……………. 13.3%
GOD’S CANDIDATE #3….. 10.3%
GOD’S CANDIDATE #2……. 5.0%
In the 2008 Iowa Caucuses, The Liar, as Nettled Newt likes to call Mitt Romney, got 30,021 votes and finished a distant second to a bass-playing Baptist preacher. After more than five years of running for president, and millions upon millions of dollars spent, this year The Liar received six fewer votes and just barely beat a man with a Google problem (the difference: 8 votes out of 122,255 cast). That kind of efficiency is why, I suppose, we should elect him president. Just ask him. Or ask John McCain, The Sore Loser, who is set to endorse The Liar today.
In any case, you may have noticed that God, as he is wont to do, hedged his bet in the race and had at least three entries. If you think that is cheating, take it up with Him. In the mean time, one of his candidates, #1, almost emerged the “winner” in a historic squeaker. And then, in his post-election speech, the God-endorsed candidate, beaming with ethereal pride, proceeded to bear false witness against the President. I’m guessing God was in the lobby signing Bibles at the time.
Indeed, in many of the post-election speeches and true to form, the candidates told a number of whoppers about the socialist interloper in the White’s House.
And speaking of God and telling whoppers about the President, Pat Robertson has heard from God again. And guess what? What he heard fits in nicely with Robertson’s politics. God is good that way. Robertson shared this message from GOP Jesus:
Your country will be torn apart by internal stress. A house divided cannot stand. Your president holds a radical view of the direction of your country which is at odds with the majority. Expect chaos and paralysis. Your president holds a view which is at the odds with the majority — it’s a radical view of the future of this country, and so that’s why we’re having this division. This is a spiritual battle which can only be won by overwhelming prayer. The future of the world is at stake because if America falls, there’s no longer a strong champion of freedom and a champion of the oppressed of the world. There must be an urgent call to prayer…This country is disintegrating.
Dang. I liked God much better when he was sending us “good tidings of great joy.”
But speaking of an urgent call to prayer and disintegration, I exhort you to make an appeal to the Almighty for fans of Crazy Uncle Ron, whose strong showing in Iowa last night will only intensify his followers’ delusions that this man has a future in the attic of the White’s House.
God’s candidate #3, also known as The Forgetful Texan, is going home to regroup and find out why God told him to run for president without equipping him for the job.
Speaking of being ill-equipped for the job, God’s candidate #2, who called Mr. Obama a socialist at least a gazillion times in her “concession” speech, gave no immediate indication when she will do the inevitable and give up the ghost, holy or otherwise.
The real story, though, is Nettled Newt. Speaking extemporaneously after his poor showing, which is his way of bragging about how darn smart he is, he was clearly still pissed about The Liar’s terrorist attack on his record and character. And Newt is planning a paradoxical counter-attack: telling “the truth” about The Liar. Maybe in New Hampshire this week, as Newt carries out his strategy, some enterprising reporter will ask Newt how he can call The Liar a liar and accuse him of “buying” the election, yet still claim he would support him for president.
All in all, just another amusing day watching Republicans.