Etch A Romney

Mittens declared ultimate victory last night in New Hampshire, proving that having plenty of money to carve up your opponents in television commercials and having a willingness to radically alter your beliefs—then pretend they have been your beliefs all along!—is all that is necessary to dupe folks eager to throw Obama out of the White’s House.

This speech was the first in what will be a long series of attempts to re-sketch Romney and make him more attractive to folks who don’t tote placards or guns at Tea Party rallies.

Puke-worthy in his speech was his “simple message” to “heartbroken” single moms, gas-poor seniors, and “the mom and dad who never thought they’d be on food stamps.”  That message was,

Hold on a little longer. A better America begins tonight.

Yeah, hold on until the Romney-Ryan budget lifts you up, up, and away!

Mittens will “unite every American who knows in their heart that we can do better!” That means those of us—about half the country— who would rather put a peg through our pupil than vote for him, are S.O.L.! That’s some unity.

Romney also claimed that Obama “will run a campaign of diversions, distractions, and distortions.” Now considering that The Etch Man just finished running a campaign of diversions, distractions, and distortions, and considering that he will have to continue to divert, distract, and distort in order to sell his always-evolving self to the electorate, that is quite a compliment.

And Mittens, who brought the world Romneycare, offered Obama another huge compliment when he gave him credit for the eventual end of  American capitalism:

With Obamacare fully installed, government will come to control half the economy, and we will have effectively ceased to be a free enterprise society.

What? No more Bain Capital? What in Kolob’s name are we gonna do? What will the vultures eat?

Perhaps my favorite passage in the speech was this one, which I look forward to beholding:

In the America I see, character and choices matter. And education, hard work, and living within our means are valued and rewarded. And poverty will be defeated, not with a government check, but with respect and achievement that is taught by parents, learned in school, and practiced in the workplace.

Now, I know right-wingers like to talk about the grandiosity of Barack Obama, what with his slowing the oceans’ rise (promise kept, by the way!) and his attempt to heal the planet (Big O’s still working on that one), but he ain’t never said he could defeat poverty. Heck, Jesus couldn’t even do that! If I thought Mittens could end poverty, I wouldn’t walk, I’d run to the polls in November to symbolically touch the hem of his holy garment!

But he did get something right in the speech:

Today, the hill before us is a little steep but we have always been a nation of big steppers.

Yes, yes. Folks like Romney have been big steppin’ all over the rest of us for years, and the magical thing about these big steppers is that they can get about half of the folks crushed under their big steppin’ heels to crawl out and vote for them! That’s some voodoo!

Toward the end of his speech, Mr. Etch hit a theme that was both offensive and effective, in terms of penetrating deep into the souls of his pale-faced supporters:

We’ll stop the days of apologizing for success at home and never again apologize for America abroad.

There was a time – not so long ago – when each of us could walk a little taller and stand a little straighter because we had a gift that no one else in the world shared. We were Americans. That meant something different to each of us but it meant something special to all of us. We knew it without question. And so did the world.

Those days are coming back. That’s our destiny.

Forget the lie about Obama apologizing abroad and focus on the subtext of his ending message, the message that Etch-A-Romney will bring to Americans:

America isn’t “special” to President Obama. He is a stranger among us, an interloper who doesn’t deserve to live in the White’s House.

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