Globe blogger Kaje ask me in the comments section yesterday if I had read the platform statement of the Texas Republican Party.
Well, sadly, I hadn’t. But now I have, and it is wonderfully descriptive of the lofty goals of utopian conservative thought and representative of Tea Party Republicanism everywhere.
First, the preamble of this 25-page, 16,174 word document begins:
The embodiment of the conservative dream in America is Texas.
Now, who could argue with that?
Here are some of their can’t-miss principles:
4. We Believe in…The sanctity of human life, created in the image of God, which should be protected from fertilization to natural death.
Since most abortions are nature- or God-induced, Texas Republicans have one hell of a task “protecting” the fertilized egg from the hands of the Almighty, but it is a worthy goal, right?
6. We believe in…Self-sufficient families, founded on the traditional marriage of a natural man and a natural woman.
I’m so glad I’m a self-sufficient “natural” man, even though I’m really not sure what “natural” means. And I”m glad I don’t live in Texas where I just might find out.
9. We believe in…A free enterprise society unencumbered by government interference or subsidies.
Let’s talk about this one, after a formerly-unencumbered BP gets that damn hole plugged up.
Other notables from the Cro-Magnon wish list:
… We further support abolition of federal agencies involved in activities not originally delegated to the federal government under a strict interpretation of the Constitution.
Wait a minute…they stole that one from Southwest Missouri Republican candidates for the 7th District House seat, didn’t they?
We urge our national leadership to protect our Constitutional rights and swiftly wage successful war on terrorists… to reasonably use profiling to protect us…
I’m guessing a “reasonable” use of profiling in Texas would amount to suspecting anyone not wearing a big-ass cowboy hat and dook-stomping boots, while driving a pickup truck with a “Obama Is A Socialist” bumper sticker slapped across the tailgate.
One of the philosophically dumbest declarations in the document is this one:
…we urge Congress to withhold Supreme Court jurisdiction in cases involving abortion, religious freedom, and the Bill of Rights.
Oh, my. They also want to restrict the Court’s jurisdiction to rule on “cases involving family law” and “cases involving sodomy.” After that’s done, we can get rid of the Supreme Court, since it won’t have enough work to keep it busy. But beyond that, how can a Constitution-loving political party basically write out of existence the Supreme Court?
Texas Republicans are also concerned about “The Symbols of Our American Heritage,” and, by God, they mean business:
Ten Commandments – We oppose any governmental action to restrict, prohibit, or remove public display of the Decalogue or other religious symbols.
This, of course, does not apply to Islamic religious symbols or to those Longhorn hood ornaments so popular in certain parts of the Lone Star State.
But perhaps the most offensive, as opposed to philosophically dumbest, statements in the document are related to homosexuality:
We believe that the practice of homosexuality tears at the fabric of society, contributes to the breakdown of the family unit, and leads to the spread of dangerous, communicable diseases. Homosexual behavior is contrary to the fundamental, unchanging truths that have been ordained by God…
We oppose the legalization of sodomy. We demand that Congress exercise its authority granted by the U.S. Constitution to withhold jurisdiction from the federal courts from cases involving sodomy.
Now, since the breathtakingly detailed Texas GOP platform does not bother to define “sodomy,” I took it upon myself to find out what it could possibly mean. Here is a definition from Wikipedia:
Sodomy (pronounced /ˈsɒdəmi/) is a term used in the law to describe the act of “unnatural” sex, which depending on jurisdiction can consist of oral sex or anal sex or any non-genital to genital congress, whether heterosexual, or homosexual, or with human or animal.
Wow! I’m betting that many of the Texas Republicans who stand behind (sorry) their platform are serial sodomites, as defined by Wikipedia.
But more than that, to place the blame on homosexuals for the “breakdown of the family unit,” when Rush Limbaugh and Newt Gingrich have had SEVEN wives between them is, well, more than a little brazen.
In any case, you get the idea about Texas Republicans and the calcified conservatism sweeping through the national GOP. Their comprehensive platform—which demands fealty from potential candidates—just about covers every facet of life.
Not only do they hate sodomy and abortion and the Supreme Court, they also want to privatize Social Security and repeal “ObamaCare.”
They want to exclude from the Americans with Disabilities Act those who have “learning disabilities.”
They equate the theory of evolution and Intelligent Design.
They oppose “government-sponsored programs that deal with early childhood development.”
They oppose gambling.
They oppose “sex education other than abstinence until heterosexual marriage.”
They oppose “all laws that infringe on the right to bear arms” and “reject any monitoring of gun ownership,” and they oppose “Gun Free Zones.”
They support state militias and believe County Sheriffs should assist them.
They believe the separation of church and state is a “myth.”
They “resist making Workers’ Compensation mandatory for all Texas employers.”
They want Congress to repeal the Federal Reserve Act of 1913.
They want the government to “clarify” the Fourteen Amendment’s granting of citizenship to anyone born here and limit it to only those born to American citizens—all without recourse to a Constitutional Amendment.
They want the government to take us “back to the moon.”
They support strong relations with Israel, “based on God’s biblical promise to bless those who bless Israel and curse those who curse Israel.”
They want us to pull out of the United Nations.
Oh, yeah. I almost forgot. They support the Boy Scouts.